Years ago, a small group of friends and I created a highly coveted book club.

It was highly coveted because we kept it small and made a big to-do out of our “meetings,” which were more social event than straight literary business.

We also incorporated just the right amount of neighborhood gossip.

I appointed myself “documentarian,” and sent our “meeting minutes” (so many quotes!) out in the form of blog posts from the now defunct blog, The Literary Loudmouth - which I just decided to pull out and read through, and today I bring to you a few excerpts, which feels almost like peeking inside the diary of a high schooler.

A few things you’ll notice:

• We had an unsettling fascination with dogs’ anal glands

• We discussed Brazilian waxes and bodily functions more than any grown-ass women have the right to

• There wasn’t a tremendous amount of discussion about the books themselves.

Onward.

Published February 10, 2010

The book was Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides and it got some pretty mixed reviews.  People either loved it or hated it.  

I, for one, am always up for a book about a penis, no matter how tiny.  

The book discussion spurned all types of colorful side-discussions:  anatomy and physiology of the hermaphrodite; how could this appendage possibly have been missed by a physician or a mother, for God's sake; Hoarders, the program on A&E, of which Ana, Mia's sister, pulled off a spot-on re-enactment of one toddler's clutter-loving mom. 

Published March 30, 2010

• It's important that you know where all of your tampons are before having someone you don't know well get in your car.  Having this acquaintance pick up the tampons for you is quite embarrassing (particularly if it's a male doing the tampon-picking).

• Likewise, make sure you don't have any accidentally-unwrapped tampons floating around where you keep your ink pens, because if you pull your pen out and it has the pull-string of a tampon attached to it, you might end up flinging that lovely cotton plug into someone's lap.

Published February 11, 2011

• Stacey's burning desire to get the hell out of our neighborhood and move to Crystal Falls, where nobody talks to each other.  And that's the reason she wants to live there.

• Suzy's philosophy against goodie bags at birthday parties (and frankly, her non-belief in birthday parties in general, since her daughter has yet to even have one). 

• Kindle vs. Nook....  Sunday insists that Kindle won the competition, however she's on her fourth - or is it FIFTH one?  I don't know.  I can only keep up with the ONE nook I've ever had.

• A local 80's band that plays at Shooter's in Cedar Park... Big Question of the Night:  does the lead singer have JUNK?  Yes or no?  Stacey pulled up a crotch pic on her iPhone, which we zoomed wwwaaaayyyy in on and passed around for everyone to inspect.  The consensus?  Pardon the pun, girls, but it was a hung jury.  We simply couldn't tell. 

• There was also talk of some disturbing activity at the Wal-Mart right here in our own beautiful Cedar Park, Texas.  People necking in the parking lot, spanking the monkey behind the shrubbery, and some good, old fashioned junk hanging right out front. I personally find this all a bit of a turn-on, but the other girls seemed grossed out, so I played along like I did, too.

• And since we can't seem to have a gathering without discussing Stacey's dog's anal glands, we were graced with that discussion... AGAIN.

Published August 23, 2011

We got things kicked off with some wine spritzer-laced conversation that involved Sunday and Cara gettin-jiggy-wid-a guy named Wally who was creeping on them at Shooters.  Apparently Mr. Wally was crushing on Sunday, but she wasn't interested.  He had teeny tiny fingers.  You know what they say about guys who have tiny fingers....

There were mixed feelings on the book [Room, by Emma Donaghue].  Anissa and I felt that it needed more meat at the end.  Something a little more gripping, I guess.  Farrah got bored with it altogether.  Or maybe that was Suzy.  I know it wasn't Lisa.

The overall rating, based everyone's feedback, is probably a 3.  I personally would give it a bit more than that, just because I liked how different it was than any other book I've ever read.  I also thought the 5-year-old's perspective was honest and true to a child that age.

Published February 17, 2013

Ana was the host of our February meeting, where we talked about this funny, quick-read of Mindy Kaling's. To honor Kaling's Indian heritage, Ana made Tikka masala (a spicy stew) with Basmati rice and Moscow Mules to drink.

While we did discuss the book's humor and how it was kind-of annoying how Kaling jumped all over the map, most of the evening was filled with important conversation ranging from new discoveries (female dogs emit a more vile gas than male dogs - this is scientifically proven) to current events (who knew that even in the year 2013, being stranded on a ship means you'll be taking dookies in plastic bags and setting it outside your door for housekeeping to pick up?).

We had to also hash out Mia's work drama, which consists of her effervescent, ultra-gay co-worker who she's pretty sure is a sociopath contemplating her murder for contradicting him in an email. The lesson here? NEVER contradict a gay man. It's a personal affront and you may as well tell him that his outfit doesn't match or that Barbra Streisand is dead. You just don't do it.

Published March 24, 2013

Lisa hosted another fun-filled evening with lots (and lots) of loud (very loud) conversation.

Dinner was a soup bar with baked potato soup and a Santa Fe soup.  Neither of which had rotten turnips or sand, which would have followed the theme of the book [The Storyteller, by Jodi Picoult], but we were delighted nonetheless.  

The evening was filled with lots of vagina talk, partly because of our newest member, Sarah Rybarski, and her job as a labor & delivery nurse.  But don't let that fool you into thinking that's the only reason we talked so much about that.  It seems that the human anatomy is one of our favorite topics of conversation.  Actually, doesn't even have to be human, now that I think of it (might I remind you about many a conversation regarding dogs' anal glands, which for some reason managed to be a favorite topic at several of our monthly meetings).

Part of our anatomy talk included the discovery that there's apparently a hormone cream that can be prescribed by one's pediatrician to dissolve excess skin on a shoddy circumcision.  Who knew!?  This is great news for those of you who have boys with jacked-up junk.  Yay!

That’s it for today’s installment of “From the Bowels of The Literary Loudmouth.” If the girls all reach out to me with a flurry of demands that I take this post down, it just might be the only installment.